Finnish Bed Hopping – A Close Encounter With High Culture

Today someone starting a conversation about the architect Alvar Alto reminded me of a funny incident that happened in Finland back in 1995. I’d done a reading in Tampere and had gone back to Helsinki to stay for one night with the writer and musician Petteri ‘Pete’ Paksuniemi. Pete insisted I have his bed and said that he’d sleep on the sofa. So I crashed out in a very comfortable bed at maybe three in the morning. Around seven Pete’s girlfriend – who was closely related to both Alvar Alto and the composer Jean Sibelius – came home and got into bed. She quickly realised I wasn’t her boyfriend and when she jumped up screaming it woke both me and Pete (who was on the sofa in the other room). Pete’s girl ran screaming from the flat and I was too tired to work out whether she’d got back into her clothes before she did so or just threw on a coat. Pete had been drunk when we got to his pad, so I guess he’d forgotten what time his girlfriend was going to get in, or maybe he just didn’t know…
And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – – you know it makes (no) sense!


Comment by Transsexxual Timothy From Totnes on 2012-08-12 14:30:17 +0000

So if you had to make a list of everyone you ever slept with would you include Petteri Paksuniemi’s girlfriend?

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-08-12 17:06:53 +0000

I wouldn’t say i slept with her because she was probably in the bed for less than 30 seconds – I’d say she woke me up!

Comment by Terry The Tramp on 2012-08-12 22:32:21 +0000

If I’d been that girl I’d have stayed in the bed with you!

Comment by Lucy Johnson on 2012-08-13 08:12:34 +0000

I have been distracted by Olympics (boo). and so have fallen behind on reading this blog. I was once in Helsinki and jolly nice it was too. Paul Weller is a rubbish pop ‘star’ and by the looks of him a moody b—–, so this entry entertained me enormously. Chus Martinez will have to become (another) alter ego. Pleasing stuff from Mr Trippy!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-08-13 13:12:09 +0000

Yes and I’ve had to restrict the blogs readers can comment on down from five to one due to the amount of spammers trying to post links on here…. You’re not the only one who has been distracted. The Man In The Iron Mask is away investigating the Cathars…. But he’ll be back by September I guess….. If I can work it out with blogging more of the spam comments I’ll raise the number of blogs open to comment in due course….

Comment by James Saatchi on 2012-08-13 16:15:32 +0000

Sofa surfing is always a disaster! You should have booked a hotel room!

Comment by Radley Snopes on 2012-08-13 20:24:09 +0000

I hope you declared the bed in that flat in Helsinki to be an Art Strike Bed!

Comment by Shane Farley on 2012-08-13 22:09:16 +0000

Well at least she didn’t throw you out of the bed – you could have ended up sleeping on the floor!

Comment by Peter Mann on 2012-08-13 23:47:31 +0000

If you’d been drinking seriously enough youi wouldn’t have woken up!

Comment by Julio Cortazar on 2012-08-14 00:25:30 +0000

Begin by breaking every mirror in the house. Let your arms fall. Regard the wall loosely, forget. Sing one note, listen from the inside. If you hear (but this will happen much later) something like a landscape immersed in fear, with bonfires in between the rocks, with semi-nude silhouettes on tiptoes, I believe you will be well on your way, the same if you hear a river where vessels painted in yellow and black descend, if you hear the taste of bread, the feel of fingers, the shadow of a horse. Afterwards buy solfeggios and a tailcoat, and please don’t sing through your nose and leave Schumann in peace.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-08-14 00:44:52 +0000

@Radley Snopes – actually I didn’t declare that bed to be an Art Strike Bed, but I should have done that!

Comment by Mexican Pete on 2012-08-14 00:46:32 +0000

Well my wife likes to find other guys in her bed and I like to watch her in bed with them!

Comment by Broken Doll on 2012-08-15 11:12:20 +0000

I nearly crippled myself bed hopping through several hospital wards!

Comment by Lama Ping Pong on 2012-08-15 11:36:51 +0000

I think what you need to do is sleep on a bed of nails. Carnal thoughts are bad for your spiritual development.

Comment by Lucy Johnson on 2012-08-15 11:57:10 +0000

I am a part time fake-that is fakir not faker in the boudoir! Lol!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-08-15 21:49:21 +0000

Maybe we should change that ‘fake it till you make it’ saying to ‘fakir it till you make it’…. And given the choice between sleeping on a bed of nails and sleeping on a water bed, I’d take the water bed – so Lama Ping Pong don’t burst my bubble or puncture my pool or mess with my love nest!

Comment by Bud Wiser on 2012-08-16 00:38:36 +0000

I think Finnish beer drinking games are even better than Finnish bed hopping… but you can always combine both or do them sequentially!

Comment by Fred Ray on 2012-08-16 09:46:26 +0000

Trying blowing your own horn on a yoga mat – it is much better than being in someone else’s bed!

Comment by Phil Sick on 2012-08-16 20:46:29 +0000

You should try bedpan hopping rather than bed hopping – it is way more exciting although it can get a little messy if youlre not really sure footed and sure arsed too!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-08-17 00:23:47 +0000

Sorry Phil but I prefer flush toilets to bedpans. And just in case somebody who doesn’t know what a bedpan is reads this:
A bedpan or bed pan is an object used for the toileting of a bedridden patient in a health care facility, usually made of a metal, glass, or plastic receptacle. A bed pan can be used for both urinary and fecal discharge. Many diseases can confine a patient to bed, necessitating the use of bedpans, including Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, apoplexia cerebri and dementia. Additionally, many patients may be confined to a bed temporarily as a result of a temporary illness, injury, or surgery, thereby necessitating the use of a bed pan.
Bedpans are usually constructed of stainless steel and may be cold, hard and uncomfortable. On the other hand, stainless steel is easy to clean and durable, and bacteria have little chance to survive. Also, the supporting area of some products is very small and prolonged use can cause pressure ulcers. To solve these problems, new ergonomic bedpans have been developed, which support the patient with a larger area of warm plastic. Some designs completely cover the genitalia during use, offering protection and an extra measure of privacy. On the other hand, the material is difficult to clean, and plastic may be a reservoir for microorganisms.
Fracture bedpans are smaller than standard size bedpans, having one flat end. These bedpans are designed specifically for patients who have had a hip fracture or recovering from hip replacement. This type of bedpan may be used for those who cannot raise their hips high enough or to roll over onto a regular size bedpan.
In recent years, the bedpan liner made of recycled pulp (molded pulp) is more popular in UK hospitals; it is high total cost, single-use, decreasing the risk of cross-contaminated disease. An alternative to the recycled pulp liner is the plastic bedpan liner which creates a barrier between the waste and the bedpan. Some liners are made of biodegradable plastic and contain absorbent powder to eliminate splashing and spills. These liners are being used in hospitals to decrease infection and can also be purchased and used for home care.

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