Celebrities Suck! That's Official!

Seeing the pictures of British Olympic gold medal winners with pop celebrities in the papers today reminded me that for some time I’d intended to post a blog about why celebrities suck. I’d had the idea of doing this long before cyclist Bradley ‘Wiggo’ Wiggins said in his post-Olympic win speech that he disliked celebrity culture. Anyway there is the papers today is Wiggo with an arm around Paul Weller in a Shoreditch nightclub, alongside speculation that Weller inspired Wiggo’s sideburns.
Paul Weller is a paradigmatic example of a celebrity who sucks. Back in the mid-seventies one of my mates had older brothers who were close friends of Weller – which is how I became acquainted with this particularly poxy poseur in his pre-fame days. In the spring of 1977 when the first single by Weller’s old band The Jam had just entered the bottom of the top thirty, I happened to be heading to the West End with my mate Mick Carver and we ran into Mick’s older brothers who were with Paul Weller. Mick stopped to have a conversation with his brothers, so Weller who already knew me told me how great it was to get in the pop charts. Weller said to me: “I’m famous now, do you want my autograph?” I told him to fuck off and I haven’t spoken to him since – and why would I want to when he’s a complete twat and has made so many terrible records over the years…
And let’s forget this nonsense about Weller being the Modfather coz he ain’t worth a light compared to someone like Jesse Hector of The Hammersmith Gorillas and various other bands. Hector even hails from Kilburn – as does Wiggo – and sported by far and away the greatest mod sideburns of all time! While Hector made some great records he ain’t a celebrity like Paul Weller, and that’s why the press isn’t speculating that Jesse Hector inspired Wiggo’s sideburns…
And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!


Comment by Stephanie Dickinson on 2012-08-07 23:00:46 +0000

I was thinking something similar earlier today..

Comment by Stu Murphy on 2012-08-07 23:42:54 +0000

The bit where you told Paul Weller to fuck off, made me laugh, Stewart! I don’t mind Bradley Wiggins, but I see your point.

Comment by Nick Sweeney on 2012-08-08 00:12:56 +0000

I had a friend who was in a pub one night and was at the bar waiting to be served. She noticed that Bruce Foxton (Jam bassist – this was well after the Jam were famous) was there next to her. When the barman brought her drinks she couldn’t find her purse, so put her bag on the bar and started to take stuff out of it to find it. Among the stuff she put down on the bar was her payslip. She was a waitress, or something like that. Bruce Foxton picked it up, took a look at the paltry amount on it, and snorted at her, “Is that all you get? What’s the point?” Twat.
Continuing the Bruce theme, I saw him in Marino Ices at Chalk Farm, maybe about 1979, and he was sulkily waiting for his ice cream or coffee. My friend (different one – not the one in the payslip story) shouted out, “Hey, aren’t you that bloke in that band?” Bruce looked pleased, and condescending, sort of I’m-so-bored-with-being-recognised, till my friend went, “Yeah – the Stranglers. Love ’em.” Bruce was rather upset, but my friend was huge and weird-looking, so Bruce just walked out without his order. Twat. Again.

Comment by Douglas Park on 2012-08-08 00:23:24 +0000

“nonent” = a better word than “celeb”. not sure what image / form etc might / shalt be, but imagine max ernst’s ‘elephant celebes’ somehow or other parodied to be about celebrities (or rather nonentities).

Comment by Fiona Flynn on 2012-08-08 09:49:15 +0000

Words to Weller were perfect and made me laugh out loud – thank you!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-08-08 10:46:19 +0000

Yeah and I ‘d just turned 15 at the time – I guess Wellerl was about 18, but I still feel proud of my 15 year-old self…. And the look on Weller’s face was great, he really didn’t expect that response!
@ Nick Sweeney – nice Foxton stories, I guess it is what you’d expect from someone who shares his name with an estate agent…. Don’t think I ever had the misfortune to speak to Foxton, just Weller because he was mates with my mate’s brothers….

Comment by Stu Murphy on 2012-08-08 11:12:49 +0000

Any other ‘fuck offs’ to famous people we should know about, Stew?. Or perhaps any charming moments with ‘celebs’?

Comment by Douglas Park on 2012-08-08 11:55:58 +0000

the time you Stewart Home tried to get andy “i’ll sign anything” warhol to autograph a copy of valerie solanas manifesto…..

Comment by Marga Tormo Moll on 2012-08-08 12:27:34 +0000

I’m sure Stewart could write a whole book (or two or three) about fuck offs to famous people… And Jesse Hector’s sideburns always did/do and will rule!

Comment by Stu Murphy on 2012-08-08 13:03:11 +0000

Well aye, I wiz gonnae say that.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-08-08 13:53:53 +0000

Yes thinking of asking Andy Warhol who said he’d sign anything to sign a book by Valerie Solanas who’d shot him was an inspired moment… But my favourite wind up was more someone who didn’t quite make the mark as a celeb… Adrian Borland – who is someone I almost have a personal connection to, since he knew a number of my friends. In the late-eighties I spotted Borland posing outside a London rock venue. He was once in a seriously obscure band called Rat Poison (with a friend of mine in fact) although he later falsely claimed his first group was The Outsiders. As far as I’m aware Rat Poison only ever played one gig at New Malden Town Hall (in south west London – currently notorious as where Carol Waugh’s body was just found in a car boot in a lock up a few days ago). When I came across Borland he was obviously waiting to be recognised, and he gave me a huge smile as I walked over to him. “I know you!” I said before pausing dramatically. “You was in Rat Poison!” Borland’s jaw dropped, he’d lost his rock star composure but eventually managed to blurt: “I’m Adrian Borland. I’ve gone solo now but I used to be in The Sound.” “Never heard of ‘em mate!” I shot back before stomping off leaving my victim completely bemused. When Borland ended it all by jumping in front of a train in 1999 I wasn’t surprised – he seemed to have been in the rock business for the wrong reasons. He was more interested in fame than music and that was bound to result in him becoming very frustrated. And I’ve written about this already on one of the blogs here….

Comment by Jay Potter on 2012-08-08 14:26:52 +0000

Go, Stewie, go!

Comment by Marshall Anderson on 2012-08-08 15:47:46 +0000

Anyone got any good stories about Rick Buckler The Jam drummer?

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-08-08 23:40:41 +0000

I don’t know any stories about Buckler but then on the whole people pay little attention to drummers unless they are Keith Moon – in which case they even want to call them back from the dead to open the Olympics…..

Comment by Christopher Nosnibor on 2012-08-09 01:20:49 +0000

It’s so often the minor ‘celebrities’ who are the biggest cocks… not so long ago (but in the years before Shed 7 reformed), I saw Rik Witter in my local Sainsbury’s (which is probably his local Sainsbury’s too), strutting around like he o
wned the place, and scanning around while queueing at the chekout to see if anyone had clocked him there in his skinny jeans and mirror shades. What a prick. Needless to say, I ignored him. His band always sucked anyway.

Comment by Editore At Artdesigncafe on 2012-08-09 01:44:20 +0000

Celebrities suck what exactly?

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-08-09 14:46:01 +0000

Cork – and they’re often addicted to sniffing cork dust too!

Comment by Sidney Green on 2012-08-09 16:18:53 +0000

In your comments: “on the whole people pay little attention to drummers unless they are Keith Moon…”
What about Sandy Neslon, Ringo Starr and Cozy Powell?

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-08-09 17:22:02 +0000

Exceptions that prove the rule!

Comment by Steve Hyde on 2012-08-09 18:11:07 +0000

I was in a ladyboy bar i Bangkok a few years back when Matt Dillon walked in, saw and recognised me, and walked out again. I’d been trying to annoy him the year before when he shot his movie in Cambodia, “City of Ghosts”. Thats the closest I’ve come.

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