Dr Al Ackerman, a noted expert on the many pleasurable ways it is possible to manipulate Chinese anal love beads, says the London 2012 Olympics are crap. Dr Ackerman’s criticisms focus on the fact that instead of concentrating on real sports like topless tennis, nude mud wrestling and bedroom athletics, the organisers have turned the event into a fashion parade. “The original Olympic spirit was naked as nature intended,” Dr Ackerman opines by Skype from his Baltimore home, “I could spend all day watching nude gymnastics but what’s the point if the performers are wearing post-modern designer leotards? The ancient Greeks stripped off for all their sporting activities and we should do the same. I’m not impressed with the cultural Olympiad either – rather than theatre in the round it should feature theatre in the buff!”
Dr Ackerman, known to friends as Blaster thanks to the pungent odour of his farts, also criticised the choice of sponsors for London 2012. “McDonald’s meals might give you indigestion but the flatulence produced by a Big Mac is a damp squib compared to the effect of a really good burrito. If you’re gonna sit on your ass watching sports on TV you should definitely be eating tacos rather than burgers.” Blaster insists.
Ackerman explains that: “The miasma that gradually builds up from your burrito farts will get you high, but don’t forget to keep the windows and door closed. Once I’m really out of it on that tangy taco stink I like to slip a pillow case over my head. Have a pillow slip to hand with a single slit cut into it for your third eye, coz if you’re watching fit athletes with super strong legs – Venus Williams for example – you may have a mystic experience. But that ain’t gonna happen if you’re chomping on Big Macs. Rather than accepting sponsorship from the likes of McDonald’s, the Olympic organisers should have sought out backing from burrito merchants. Likewise Coca-Cola as a 2012 backer is a joke! Why they didn’t approach a company that made a decent drink like Four Roses bourbon or Thunderbird wine?”
So there you have it – the London Olympics are crap! That’s official!
And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!
Comments
Comment by Jackie Smith on 2012-07-26 01:04:00 +0000
I suspect you’re trying to cause a bit of a stink with this piece!
Comment by Peter Randal on 2012-07-26 14:10:04 +0000
But is tuna taco best for a mystic experience?
Comment by Maria Pérez-Pujazón on 2012-07-26 14:49:02 +0000
you know today is 13th of tatana of that that stands over one only pata. So I´m not gonna have another opportunity to say again¡MIERDRA!
Comment by Michael Dec on 2012-07-26 21:26:08 +0000
Ack- please get in touch with me. It’s been a long time. JMB can give you my address.
Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-07-29 13:37:57 +0000
Apologies to those that left comments that have disappeared – I didn’t delete them. The server hosting this site went down for more than two days and the missing comments don’t appear to have been backed up anywhere…
As far as I recall my replies to the comments above went something like this
@ Jackie Smith – holding your nose doesn’t stop capitalism stinking…
@ Maria Pérez-Pujazón – now that’s what I call occult…
@ Michael Dec – trying reaching Ack through Normals….
Comment by Rule Britannia on 2012-07-29 17:12:20 +0000
What a load of bollocks! What you’ve done is take down a load of comments slagging you off for whinging and failing to support Team GB. The Olympics are great and Great Britain is called Great Britain for a reason too but scum like you aren’t patriotic enough to understand that.
Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-07-29 19:50:25 +0000
There was one comment slagging me off in the way you describe and Lucy Johnson who leaves comments here pretty regularly replied: “Oh dear.” The server went down as I’ve described and I lost some comments. I’m not unhappy to have lost that one jingoistic comment (although it wasn’t so bad I needed to take it down), but I am sorry to have lost the others….
Comment by The Woman In Red on 2012-07-29 21:11:23 +0000
What happened to the comment about Thunderbird being great coz it was the first drink the poster had got drunk on?
Comment by Peter Orlovsky on 2012-07-29 22:03:27 +0000
Thunderbird is good but Bud is better!
Comment by Legs O’Brien on 2012-07-29 22:57:51 +0000
Forget Thunderbird and drink Barley Wine instead!
Comment by Michael Roth on 2012-07-30 05:51:16 +0000
I’ve been training for years in a variety of bedroom athletics and I’m very disappointed that they were not included in these games. I’ll have to settle for pearl necklaces instead of gold medals!
Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-07-30 13:03:01 +0000
There’s always golden showers for those who enjoy participating in the water sport aspect of bedroom atheltics – atlhough perhaps such activities are better understood as bathroom athletics!
Comment by Laura Waxx on 2012-07-30 14:19:14 +0000
I love Blaster’s short stories – Ackerman deserves to be much better known as a writer than he is.
Comment by David Jones on 2012-07-30 14:59:24 +0000
What do you do if your farts – as mine do – smell of perfume, and thus aren’t going to get you into mystic states?
Comment by Mystic Meg on 2012-07-30 16:02:41 +0000
Reading burrito remains is a much better guide to the future than reading tea leaves.
Comment by Grant Mitchell on 2012-07-30 21:03:01 +0000
and don’t forget kids – crap is crap too!
Comment by Thomas Nashe on 2012-07-30 23:33:11 +0000
You’re bang on the money with that comment Grant – and after all the political, financial and banking scandals of the past few years, the 2012 London Games might be compared to a damp squib of a fart after a good stool!
Comment by Link Wray on 2012-07-31 01:16:54 +0000
Well, I heard the news there’s good ploppin’ tonight….tonight I’m gonna drop my trews and plop away all my blues, have you heard the news everybody’s shitting tonight…
Comment by Steve Smith on 2012-07-31 18:23:33 +0000
Now that’s what I call shit stirring!
Comment by Kenneth Tynan on 2012-07-31 20:46:33 +0000
Wasn’t Hair the first theatre in the buff production?
Comment by The Man in the Iron Mask on 2012-08-01 00:16:14 +0000
No, it was the Living Theatre troupe a couple of years before HAIR.
Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-08-04 16:11:53 +0000
True!