10 Best Ways To Fail

  1. Elegantly – that’s with a massive advance from a production company or publisher and no audience!
  2. Spectacularly – as success slips from you’re fingers you realise that in a few moments you’ll be dead!
  3. Hypocritically – by being evil when your motto is ‘don’t be evil’!
  4. Hypothetically – that’s when your visualisations of your future success are so good you can’t be bothered with the actuality.
  5. Happily – by realising that you didn’t want a house in the Hollywood Hills or to be chased around by the paparazzi anyway.
  6. Secretly – since all success is relative and is ultimately an illusion.
  7. Excessively – by falling down assorted search engine rankings after massively over-optimising the SEO on your website and being penalised for it.
  8. Technically – due to injury you escape without personal blame for your lack of success.
  9. Categorically – by aiming too high and trying too hard (i.e. by willing something that could never become so-called ‘universal law’).
  10. Ethically – by being unfaithful to everything you ever believed in (especially if that happens to be the sanctity of marriage or monogamy).
    And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!


Comment by Fred The Shred on 2012-06-18 20:17:41 +0000


Comment by Joseph Woby on 2012-06-18 20:36:55 +0000

Failure is the only game in town. Success belongs to other people; nobody wants your failings, and so they’re endlessly customisable.

Comment by Steve Smith on 2012-06-19 08:31:50 +0000

There’s no success like failure!

Comment by Pete Doherty on 2012-06-19 10:24:01 +0000

But I want to fail miserably!

Comment by Dr Lucanstein on 2012-06-19 11:21:24 +0000

If you’ve got some nasty shit going on like failure then the best thing to do is ignore it!

Comment by David Moss on 2012-06-19 11:33:05 +0000

Yes, success is actually just carrying on, success stops when you stop carrying on, failure is no opposition, it is all potential outcomes of demented glory whistling away like finely sprayed blood, and it’s all about the knees, you have to fall to your knees to embrace the failure.

Comment by Justin Sayings (@JustinSayings) on 2012-06-19 17:43:21 +0000

Really, success and failure are interchangeable. You cannot set out to fail, because even if you succeed in failing you have not failed in succeeding, only failed to set the limits of your failure beyond your own success-failure dichotomy. It’s up to others to award you the highly prized and much coveted pink star of ‘looser’. Better to call you a success, like I do Beckett.
Ever tried. Ever Failed. Never mind I didn’t want to be a stupid writer anyway.

Comment by Andrius Savickas on 2012-06-20 09:34:04 +0000

Failure is the only game in town. Success belongs to other people; nobody wants your failings, and so they’re endlessly customisable.

Comment by Mario Mentrup on 2012-06-20 11:31:49 +0000

Failure for dummies!

Comment by David Moss on 2012-06-20 12:27:46 +0000

I pick number 4, the only problem is I am too good at that one.

Comment by Joseph Woby on 2012-06-20 14:34:50 +0000

Fail now – do not feed the master narrative.

Comment by Maria Pérez-Pujazón on 2012-06-20 14:55:09 +0000

how many fails make one success??

Comment by Joseph Woby on 2012-06-20 15:04:42 +0000

On your own terms, every single one!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-06-20 15:46:53 +0000

Do it till you’re satisfied!

Comment by Justin Sayings (@JustinSayings) on 2012-06-20 21:38:24 +0000

I’m a failure. I Mick Blunter. I can’t get no dissatisfaction.

Comment by Tim Smith on 2012-06-20 22:27:40 +0000

I’m a failure but am I enough of a failure?

Comment by Jeff Mute on 2012-06-20 23:19:58 +0000

Words fail me!

Comment by Michael Peacock on 2012-06-20 23:42:37 +0000

I misread this as 10 Best Ways To Fall when I first saw it. But that would be a really useful blog coz I’m always falling over.

Comment by Sid Stitch on 2012-06-21 00:34:19 +0000

Fail? I can’t even be bothered to try!

Comment by Martina Riley on 2012-06-21 14:56:16 +0000

But what happens if despite your best efforts to fail you find yourself succeeding?

Comment by Justin Sayings (@JustinSayings) on 2012-06-22 07:15:59 +0000

In that case, Martina, I’m afraid you’ve turned into Stewart Home, darling of the anti-establishment establishment.

Comment by kperry on 2012-06-22 14:39:02 +0000

failure is just success with a different soundtrack

Comment by Justin Sayings (@JustinSayings) on 2012-06-22 15:39:17 +0000

…and Punk Rock is Capitalism’s Botox.

Comment by kperry on 2012-06-22 20:12:40 +0000

I always figured Punk was more roto-rooter while new wave was more Capitalist Botox but then again …

Comment by Michael Roth on 2012-06-23 06:10:21 +0000

I wish I could fail elegantly. That massive advance would certainly come in handy. Anyway, who needs an audience when you have yourself!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2012-06-23 19:06:43 +0000

Good point…..

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