10 Synonyms For Being A Wanker!

  1. Metrosexual – self-consciously middle-class and faux-sophisticated; some are simply wankers whereas others claiming this label are utter pricks.
  2. Undersexual – just not getting any.
  3. Autosexual – a wanker and proud of it.
  4. Retrosexual – the moth-eaten comfort blanket of a memory AKA nostalgia dating.
  5. Pansexual – desperate enough to be up for anything including the five-knuckle shuffle.
  6. Asexual – so in love with yourself you’re not interested in anybody else.
  7. Monosexual – the not so silent majority (a post-modern wall of sound) who never tire of the same old thing, or themselves!
  8. Polysexual – see pansexual above.
  9. Pornosexual – fans of dirty movies and one-handed reads.
  10. Octasexual – those who are attracted to men, women, he-shes, transvestites, animals, inatimate objects, food and jerking off.
    And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!


Comment by Maxime on 2011-11-27 13:42:52 +0000

Comment by SC on 2011-11-27 14:16:01 +0000

A (vinegar) stroke of fine writing genius there, Stewart!

Comment by raymond anderson on 2011-11-27 14:24:33 +0000

Whats someone who screws the corners of cupboards?

Comment by Jennifer Harrison Stanton on 2011-11-27 14:35:40 +0000

Really enjoyed reading and learning …. lol ….. very amused. Well written ! x (-:

Comment by Simon Evans on 2011-11-27 14:43:22 +0000

‘a man is as eager to judge as he is to ejaculate’ Camus

Comment by mistertrippy on 2011-11-27 18:09:53 +0000

Toot toot! I dunno what it is but wanking themed posts just seem to get more hits than anything else… and of course I’m enough of a tosser to exploit that!

Comment by Tim on 2011-11-27 18:22:36 +0000

Best definition of ‘asexual’ ever.

Comment by Christopher Nosnibor on 2011-11-27 19:11:53 +0000

This blog deserves a big hand… but I’m too busy clubbing the cucumber to do it myself!

Comment by AD on 2011-11-27 20:05:27 +0000

I’m enough of a twat to second it!

Comment by Tom on 2011-11-27 20:52:40 +0000

you getting ready to pull a train?

Comment by Leanne on 2011-11-27 21:55:55 +0000

Whats a “wamker”?

Comment by mistertrippy on 2011-11-27 23:25:48 +0000

The term wanker originated from British slang in the 1940s. Wanker literally means “one who wanks (masturbates)”. In modern usage it is usually a general insult. It conveys contempt, not commentary on sexual habits (but I’m playing off the two here). Wanker has similar meanings and overtones to American pejoratives like jerk(-off). One connotation, implying egotistical and self-indulgent behaviour (and more analogous to American douche(bag), is the dominant meaning in Australia and New Zealand.
Wanker may be indicated by a one-handed gesture, usually to an audience out of hearing range. It is shown by curling the fingers of the hand into a loose fist and moving the hand back and forth to mime male masturbation, which is equivalent to saying, “[you are a] wanker”.
In the United States, the term is understood, but seldom used, and then more in a way suggesting the target is an idiot or moron.

Comment by Simon Evans on 2011-11-27 23:55:21 +0000

Actually I just saw the term ‘wanker’ and thought I ought to contribute to this blog.

Comment by Simon Evans on 2011-11-27 23:56:10 +0000

Contribute a load of wank that is …

Comment by Leanne on 2011-11-28 11:25:22 +0000

have heard of these activities before, but one of the tags on your blog is “wamker”. I thought wamking sounded fun. I wondered if it was perhaps an emotional an meaningful version of wanking which involved crying, a blanky and some chocolates? Emotionally self indulgent form of melancholic wanking = wamking

Comment by Charles Atlas on 2011-11-28 12:08:35 +0000

You didn’t make any shake weight jokes in this. We could have done with one of those! Shake weights are for wankers.

Comment by Aaron on 2011-11-28 15:44:08 +0000

I’m under- and pornosexual, and like most addictions are co-dependent!

Comment by mistertrippy on 2011-11-28 17:13:54 +0000

And we missed over-sexual too which probably involves most of ’em!

Comment by Russell Brand on 2011-11-28 20:49:43 +0000

Is this a private circle jerk among friends – or can celebrities join in too?

Comment by Katy Perry on 2011-11-29 00:49:40 +0000

I think I’m gonna gag!

Comment by Michael Roth on 2011-11-29 01:36:28 +0000

You forgot Homesexual – one who fetishizes and masturbates to the works of Stewart Home.

Comment by mistertrippy on 2011-11-29 11:31:50 +0000

And that’s a common one – it isn’t just me who does that!

Comment by Nick Papadimitriou on 2011-12-01 12:11:16 +0000

I went to school with a John Wanker (’tis true!). I think the use of the word went into overdrive (more general usage) about 1968. Incidentally, ‘wanking the cloth’ is an old scottish term, possibly for the fulling of wool.

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