Those of you with long memories may recall that I wasn’t too thrilled when I got around to watching Jenna Jameson in Zombie Strippers, but now I’ve found a horror film in which the hardcore porn legend doesn’t star but she does really steal the show. Evil Breed (2003) directed by Christian Viel is a train wreck of a movie. It starts with some hetro sex in a tent and a stupid murder, then cuts to the title credits, and during this there is really bad heavy metal playing on the soundtrack. I watched the opening a second time with Yellowman’s Walking Jewellery Store on repeat play on my hi fi, and this massively improved it.
After the credits there is less heavy metal (so I was able to take George Phang’s Yellowman production off my deck and put the sound back up), and we are introduced to five students and their teacher who are making a research trip to a remote part of Ireland. Unfortunately the countryside they’re in doesn’t look anything like any part of Europe I’ve ever been to, let alone Eire. Visually we’re in Canada, where the film was shot; the flora, fauna and the buildings all look North American. For forty or so minutes nothing much happens other than small talk about horror movies, and some encounters with a couple of American actors who have the worst Irish accents you’ve ever heard (okay, so one of them is Ginger Lynn Allen, famous as a porn star rather than an actress).
Jenna Jameson suddenly appears in the woods and has a really dumb conversation about searching for missing friends with a couple of the students. After this, the small cast starts getting knocked off by the local cannibal mutant(s) who are allegedly descended from the feral family of semi-mythical Scottish killer Sawney Beane (although we never see more than one at a time, there is supposedly an entire clan off these murderous freaks).
Most of the gore scenes are rather truncated, and there isn’t much nudity either despite the film boasting several adult film stars. Everything is really badly cut together too, with the transitions from one scene to another occurring completely at random. Towards the end, the final girl Shae (Brandi-Ann Milbradt) is shown struggling with a cannibal freak, then we cut to her waking up in the mutant HQ; she isn’t shown losing the fight or being carried away as might happen in your average horror flick, and this is typical of the surrealist approach adopted by the editor, the viewer is simply left to fill in lots of blanks because the ‘plot’ implications of the half-shown ‘action’ scenes are ambiguous.
Howard Rosenstein (playing Paul) is eventually punished for his poor Irish accent by having his guts pulled out of his asshole, and then strangled with them. Better yet, when Jenna Jameson is carried nude into the cannibal HQ, she is strapped to a bench so that her degenerate captor can feast on her guts; the mutant attacks her breasts and is puzzled when he pulls out what I assume is supposed to be a piece of silicon enhancement (but actually looks like the type of air-wrap I use when I’m mailing boxes of books).
I got Evil Breed in Poundland for a quid, and you’d have to be off your rocker to pay more than that to see this! It would have been expensive at a tenth of the price… So borrow the DVD from a friend, stick it in the player and get your finger on the fast forward button for that one sick visual joke about Janna Jameson’s knockers! The rest is fluff! If you’re really lucky then some naughty copyright infringer will stick Jameson’s second and final scene on YouTube and you won’t even have to bother with the rest of the movie!
And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!
Comment by Zen Master K on 2009-10-08 10:28:14 +0000
I prefer Silicon Teens to silicon breasts.
Comment by Bruce Barnard on 2009-10-08 10:31:44 +0000
Poundland is really doing the business lately, at least when it comes to serving up a vast back catalogue of shot on video, low budget 80’s/90’s horror monstrosities and chocolate that it tainted with the taste of the soap with which it shares a shelf.
On a recent visit I picked up Lucio Fulci’s ‘Cat in the Brain’, a messily edited greatest hits compilation of his most brutal splatter sequences woven into a post-modern plot that deals with both Marxist theory and catholic guilt. Despite there being a brutal murder every two minutes, the overall effect brought to mind those Pan Pipe Moods CD’s you see for sale in service station forecourts. Rather then shock and awe the finished product lulled me into a deep sense of relaxation, probably the result of a script that was seemingly generated at random by computer.
Still, one pound eh!
Comment by Oleksiy on 2009-10-08 10:35:55 +0000
cool! any clues on how to get this stuff in Ukraine or Russia?
Comment by Lucifer Vegas on 2009-10-08 13:34:33 +0000
One film you ALWAYS used to find in shops like these was “Omega Cop”, a low-budget futuristic sci-fi thriller from the early nineties that featured Adam West. Never quite managed to pluck up the courage to buy it; however, if anyone else has seen/heard of this film I would be extremely grateful if you could let me know whether I made the right decision, or if i should have saved that extra quid in order to purchase the thing. Thank you.
Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-10-08 13:57:12 +0000
I love Cat In The Brain, although I know it divides Fulci fans…. I’ve never seen Omega Cop, but if Return To The Bat Cave is anything to judge by, then you probably avoided another Adam West turkey. Must be some rights dispute over the old Batman TV series which is great, coz that’s never come out on DVD as far as I know… And as how you get this stuff in Russia or Ukraine, I’ve no idea other than downloading from torrents… you can, of course, buy it online but it would end up costing far too much as it is cheaper to get outta pound shops and you gotta pay the postage on top.
Comment by Psychedelic Sid on 2009-10-08 16:30:19 +0000
Sounds like a bad trip man!
Comment by Far Out Fred on 2009-10-08 18:18:32 +0000
But anything looks good on acid!
Comment by Ron Jeremy on 2009-10-08 23:37:50 +0000
Ginger Lynn and I are just good friends….
Comment by Linda Lovelace on 2009-10-09 03:49:58 +0000
I’m already dead.
Comment by Kool Keith on 2009-10-09 15:44:37 +0000
Re: Howard Rosenstein’s bad Irish accent and having his guts pulled outta his anus: “May they beat his bowels with a ten-pound hammer til his asshole whistles the Star-Spangled Banner…”
Comment by raymond anderson on 2009-10-09 22:32:12 +0000
I hear The Pirate Bay have moved to a Nuclear Bunker in the Ukraine!
Comment by Killer on 2009-10-09 23:06:39 +0000
it goes on and on and on and on, the beat don’t stop till the break of dawn….
Comment by Simon The Satanist on 2009-10-10 02:12:43 +0000
His Satanic Majesty will rise again!
Comment by Fred The Shred on 2009-10-10 09:58:10 +0000
Jenna Jameson is top totty.
Comment by Justin on 2009-10-10 13:17:55 +0000
Have you noticed that Poundland actually sell porn dvd’s!?
Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-10-10 18:20:04 +0000
Yeah, I think I was blogging abut that on MySpace back in the day…. But it all looks like softcore rubbish, I think I’ll stick with the horror. Shame there isn’t a Poundland in central London, so I have to check them when I’m outta town… but with the way the recession is going maybe even central London will have a Poundland soon!
Comment by Michael Roth on 2009-10-18 17:00:52 +0000
Sounds groovy! Any film shot in Canada has to be top notch, IMHO. Boy, I wosh there was a Poundland here …