Did you know that Neoism is a Nigerian money scam? On the one hand you go to those poetry sites where people cut and paste words and phrases together to form post-modern nonsense then, on the other hand, you get all this spam coming through which uses exactly the same technique to fill out the body of the email and avoid the spam filters, while sticking in an image which is an ad for some Venezuelan gerbil-farm’s stock offering. It’s great. I can’t get enough spam, which is why I spend all day submitting my name to as many goofball spam sites as I can. This morning I had 230,000 new emails and all of them full of great avant-garde poetry. Long live the New Neoism!
And you too can make money from these spamcore activities. All you have to do is collect spam and then submit it to those poetry competitions offering big cash prizes. As anybody who has met me knows, I like to maintain an archive of predatory spam culled from the mailboxes of my alter-egos. Unfortunately this archive is now in the hands of a wayward plastic ventriloquist doll called Tessie who is possessed by the spirit of Jayne Mansfield, and claims to be the mother of my teenage son. This means that I am currently unable to follow my favourite pursuit of sitting up through the small hours and screaming along as I rearrange spam emails into award winning poetry. But rest assured I don’t allow this hobby to endanger my health, since I do take frequent breaks to imbibe Springbank, Talisker and many other brands of single malt whiskey, and never spent more than 72 hours in a continuous sitting at my computer station. While I can’t provide you with a new poem here, I do have more than a million spam verses that I’d printed out before Tessie made off with my external hard drive. This is one of my favourites, assembled on 22 Oct 2007 :
COCK HUNGRY BI-SEXUAL REDHEAD
pretty young stripper
just 21 years old
dressed in a short skirt
lifts up her top to expose huge white tits
then spreading her twat wide
takes a double penetration
pretty young stripper
just 21 years old
is ripped up with a dildo
a hot steamy whore who likes her ass fondled
as Latino lesbians lick taco
to a 70s disco soundtrack
pretty young stripper
just 21 years old
likes to expose her cunt
a tight-rumped honey who spreads it around
and sucks cock like a champion
while she is pussy pumped from behind
And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – http://www.stewarthomesociety.org/ – you know it makes (no) sense!
Comments
Comment by PronetoClone on 2009-01-04 13:09:25 +0000
somebody please stop Michael-Stewart-Trippy from talking to himself and posting his inner dialogues in Comments. It’s a waste of creative energy.
Comment by Phina on 2009-01-04 19:22:03 +0000
Ah spam! Hours of entertainment.
Comment by Tom on 2009-01-04 20:18:07 +0000
Hey Trippy… glad to be of service to you with the spam recovery from your main myspace identities. The rich text editor is currently disabled. We’re working on a fancy new one…
Your friend,
Tom
Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-04 20:23:23 +0000
So Tom even managed to get through the spam filter here… unless I’ve been talking to myself again. Being a techno-wiz, it’s a groove sensation!
Comment by Cassandra Thomas on 2009-01-04 20:43:57 +0000
well you should “toot toot” yourself
Comment by Peter Thomson on 2009-01-04 20:44:56 +0000
tu tu, more like…
Comment by Andrea Assanelli on 2009-01-04 20:46:06 +0000
Oh! Spam verses… then I am not the only one who collects spam messages for fun! Quack quack!
Comment by Steven Andrews on 2009-01-04 20:47:12 +0000
it’s so fine to see you blogging again, no matter whether it comes from the archives or not. mister trippy myspace was the best thing on the internet ever….. chant “Blood Rites……..”
Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-04 20:56:27 +0000
Oh “Blood Rites” features lots of spam! Spam is like such a groove sensation! And we need to get you all commenting more on here and less on Forkbook… looks like someone from http://www.xdollarx.com/ has been transposing some of the comments from there to here… Praise be to the Tom clone! Repent, quit you social networking site, slack off!
Comment by Díre McCain on 2009-01-04 22:04:37 +0000
Fregoli Syndrome is a rare disorder in which a person holds a delusional belief that different people are in fact a single person who changes appearance or is in disguise…
Comment by Steven Andrews on 2009-01-04 22:16:35 +0000
org/blog, A-G porn. cheers! am i slow or what? i was reading up on some of the new additions this morning
Comment by bivy spirit on 2009-01-04 22:24:47 +0000
it gives me a strange but pleasurable feeling to say to you that i could have sworn somebody else said ‘murdochspraff’…
Comment by I SHOT VALERIE SOLANAS on 2009-01-04 22:25:31 +0000
Thanks for that. Now let’s go back to the beginning of the incident and run through it again looking for more detail
Comment by I SHOT VALERIE SOLANAS on 2009-01-04 22:25:58 +0000
wow, shit’s getting so frisky and trans-dimensional in here that for a minute i thought i’d been cloned too… it’s getting to the point where i don’t recognise my own comments… wait a minute… i could have sworn somebody else said that
Comment by Sha Wo Man on 2009-01-04 22:27:27 +0000
Pet Psychologist
Don’t be so shocked. Even Sparky sometimes needs help to keep from gnawing through the neighbor’s bed of prized roses. Once the local vet has ruled out physical ailments that can contribute to rude pet behavior, people who love their animals may need to call in a trained, certified behaviorist or pet psychologist. As with human patients, pets can be analyzed and taught to act contrary to destructive impulses. There are even certified applied animal behaviorists. To get into the field, you’ll need a master’s or doctorate degree in psychology, preferably with additional work in zoology and animal behavior. Salaries vary greatly by locale, but can be upwards of $90,000 a year.
Comment by Time Traveller on 2009-01-04 22:28:52 +0000
I’ve had some auditing and now I’m not mad at you anymore…
Comment by Tessie on 2009-01-04 22:29:36 +0000
Not even the Church of Scientology would waste time auditing a pastic ventriloquist doll who believes it’s the reincarnation of L Ron Hubbard even if she does have dangerous Jayne Mansfield engrams along her timetrack…
Comment by Time Traveller on 2009-01-04 22:30:35 +0000
Let me repeat the question: do birds fly?
Comment by I SHOT VALERIE SOLANAS on 2009-01-04 22:32:18 +0000
My foot suddenly started hurting.
Comment by GUILTIES on 2009-01-04 22:34:30 +0000
Can anybody explain, like in less than 4 volumes of critical theory, what the Fluck and Law is going on? Am I to believe that Jimi Pig, who I thought I knew quite well, has a double, triple, multiple life as half of the people commenting on this blog or am I missing the point?
Comment by The ‘Real’ Stewart Home on 2009-01-04 22:35:50 +0000
Oh you can sometimes find me down Charing Cross Road trying to take pictures of pigeons but it’s not something I tend to list amongst my interests…I suppose I just like to keep a little of myself back from the public gaze…
Comment by K MAIL on 2009-01-04 22:38:02 +0000
Well since Stewart Home stopped writing novels and non-fiction books every ten minutes under many publishers he’s had a lot of time to catch up on being some of the characters he’s created, including Mister Trippy and, most famously, Michael K which despite his best franchising efforts has failed to take off in the same way as Luther Blissett in the multiple name chart rundown. The fact that Guilty Achievements believe they knew Michael K when he was a ‘real’ person only adds to the general sense of delirium in which this radical inauthenticity takes place. Now go to your room.
Comment by The ‘Real’ Mister Trippy on 2009-01-04 22:39:48 +0000
Oh with all my social networking engagements (while drinking single malts) to deal with I’ve been trying to come up with a way to ‘be me’ while not having to ‘be’ ‘there’. The solution is auto-dialectics which combined with javascript allows bot-girls to ventriloquise ‘me’ so I can concentrate on bus timetables and anti-curational projects. It’s a (groove) sensation!
Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-04 22:52:28 +0000
Toot Toot!
Comment by Dire McCain on 2009-01-04 23:07:24 +0000
http://stewarthomesociety.org/blog/
Comment by Vivian Kilbride on 2009-01-04 23:08:55 +0000
Wasn’t that the first book made entirely from comments on Facebook artfully constructed to look like a normal narrative but with a few traditional Sci Fi jump cuts?
Comment by Michael K on 2009-01-04 23:36:53 +0000
I have no idea
Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-05 01:26:57 +0000
Me neither but I said yes in the hope that the person leaving the comment would come back and attempt to justify this outrageous claim! No doubt Stewart Home loves this type of adulation but really, I wouldn’t stand still for it myself!
Comment by Michael Roth on 2009-01-05 06:12:12 +0000
Hey that was the poem that almost won me the Governor General’s Literary Award!
Unfortunately, most poetry competitions demand a submission fee so you have to pay for the privilege of putting your work into the competition. Now there’s a money scam …
Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-05 11:17:15 +0000
Too right…. I’d never pay to enter a literary competition… but spam is great art, it rarely makes any economic sense!
Comment by Mister Trippy on 2009-01-05 19:31:18 +0000
it is like soooo post-modern and just generally a groove… if you’re good at pretending to be yourself you can pretend to be anyone and really believe you are them. I went around for a while there myself going “toot toot” and really genuinely thinking I was a train (although it was probably only the skunk…)….
Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-06 01:55:32 +0000
Me too, but then since we may be the same person that’s probably not so surprising!
Comment by kncln on 2009-01-06 07:00:41 +0000
STEWART HOME IS A NIGERIAN MONEY SCAM
Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-06 14:11:30 +0000
STEWART HOME DOES NOT EXIST, NOR DOES MICHAEL K!
Comment by kncln on 2009-01-06 16:40:35 +0000
NIGERIAN MONEY SCAMS DO NOT EXIST! STEWART HOME MUST BE CREATED!
Comment by mistertrippy on 2009-01-06 17:40:28 +0000
And I’m sure you’ve got the anti-systemic science and tech to do that!